Awkward to the nth degree

We here at SSBB sure do appreciate an awkward moment, an awkward story - well anything that can turn on the "third party embarrassment" reaction. However, we stumbled upon something that crosses the line. Human beings are such interesting creatures. We all think and act so differently. But really, what in gods name would possess someone to take photos of this caliber. Its insulting to the rest of us...and your unborn child.

Click here for more - but please, you are warned.

*SSBB is not affiliated in ANY way with this blog or the lifestyle that it is condoning.

NZT for Real?

We had no idea that Bradley Cooper was in the commercial biz. Well so are we. Maybe we should tap him for our next product. (Hint its a like a toupee, but part of it wags around, and you have to feed it, its going to be revolutionary).

Hey Bradley - lets get powerful together.

Small Suitcase or Big Briefcase??

Mangagement Rings: the solution to all problems

On a daily basis we are all confronted with the important question: Are Mangagement Rings (aka engagement rings for men) a Yes or a No?

I'm going to go with "Yes." Why you may ask? Well firstly, I have a thing for compound words. I love pancakes, sunglasses and spacemen. I even own two Slankets. Who doesn't love butterflies, kneecaps, and horseshoes? But I digress... On a more serious note, I also think Mangagement Rings possess the power to save America by: 1) reviving our economy and 2) finally making men and women equal.

1) Reviving Our Economy-- I'm no economist, but I'm pretty sure that everyone is always saying we need to "stimulate" our economy in order to get out of this economic slump. So what better a way to do this then to create a new MUST HAVE item for all couples getting engaged. I have no idea how much money is spent on female engagement rings per year in total, and I'm too lazy to google it, but I'm guessing it's something like $46 billion dollars. SO if we had women also spending that much money on rings for men that would be almost a trillion dollars of economic stimulus! Also, we should make Mangagement Rings ONLY available in the U.S. Take THAT rest of the world! U.S.A! U.S.A.!

2) Equality for Women-- With the invention of the Mangagement Ring, women would no longer be forced to sit around waiting for men to pop the question. All they would have to do is head out to their local jeweler, buy a Mangagment Ring et voila! Now, for those ladies concerned that would mean that they would not be getting an engagement ring, fret not, I've thought this through. The Mangagement Ring would serve as an "offer of engagement" to the man, the man would then "accept the engagement" by giving the woman an engagement ring and vice versa. So ladies, if you are proposed to, remember to say "Thank you for your offer, I will hold on to this ring while I consider my acceptance." You then wait an annoyingly long time, then finally purchase a Mangagement ring, while HE waits in anticipation for you to "accept." EQUALITY!

So in summation, Tiffany's, Harry Winston, Cartier, Schmulie's Jewelry, I ask you as an American, a Woman, and a lover of compound words to get on this! Let's start selling some Mangagement rings!

To my Ladies: happy shopping, and your welcome.

Guide to Surviving the Subway (kind of)

1) Stand in line for the “ride,” like a kid amongst crazy carnival goers. Hope and pray to the “God of Transport” that it will, in fact, take you to your final destination rapidly, calmly, smoothly.

2) Since above rarely happens, get ready to be shoved into the oven-like-death-car that will take you + 12 bizzillion “friends” on the trip of a lifetime.

3) The pleasant sounding man over the speaker kindly asks you to “keep my hands and arms inside the train.” Do as he says, then give the annoying person holding the door open “its 830am kid, don’t F with me” look.

4) If you are lucky to have a non-crowded train, take a seat and relax, this may not be so bad.

5) But chances are you are stuck between a creepy guy and girl with dreads.

6) Train starts moving, note that it will pick up speed (HOORAY!) then shutter to a dead stop on a whim. Be patient, this is actually normal.

7) Great. Like your grandmother riding a Rascal the train jolts to a start  – crawling ever so S-L-O-W-L-Y  -  begin to take inventory of your surroundings.

8) Bad idea: persons next to you eating a loosely made sandwich (yep it smells weird and its all over his face/your lap); snooty hipster wannabe reading Dave Eggers (we get it!), symphony of coughs/sniffs/sneezes (no matter what time of year), obnoxiously LOUD iPods, Farmville-ing game playing, and smells…just lots of smells.

9) Now just sit there, avoid eye contact, hold your breath, and hope you make it to your final destination.

10) Good luck.
 

 

How to Make your own Eco-Friendly Chop Sticks

I love sushi. My only regret is the 1000's of trees cut down to make those requisite splintery chopsticks necessary to enjoy Japanese cuisine. Finally, I can guiltlessly poison myself with mercury without harming a singe wood friend! Below please instructions and a guide on how to make and use your own Eco-friendly Chopsticks.

MAKING THE CHOPSTICKS

1: Place pinky and ring finger against the palm of your hand.

2: Press thumb firmly over pinky and ring finger.

3: Extend index and middle finger (fingers should be touching).

USING THE CHOPSTICKS

1: Gently brush your index and middle finger together (to get rid of any debris that may be on your "sticks").

2: Separate the index and middle finger into a V shape.

3: Approaching the sushi plate from a skyward angle, place V shaped fingers on sides of sushi piece (imagine a sushi Tee Pee).

4: Clamp fingers around sushi.

5: Lift sushi.

6: Dip in soy sauce (optional) and place in mouth.

CAUTION:

Remember. Japanese etiquette dictates that when not using your chopsticks you should rest your "sticks" on the soy sauce bowl or plate. NEVER put your Eco-chopsticks on the table, your lap, or god forbid your napkin.

Congratulations, you are now prepared to save mother earth and look extremely cool the next time you go out for sushi. Best wishes and どういたしまして (You're Welcome).

How to be Classy

There are so many ways to class it up these days, but for those of you who need a hint, there's an easy way to fake it. The city of Beverly Hills is creating a new perfume to well, smell like Beverly Hills. That's right, you too can smell like Botox injected, cold-hard cash. People, it time to get classy up in here.


You: Spritz-spritz

Classy Lady: My what is that scent you are wearing? It is so succulent, so heavenly, so robust...It reminds me of the first time I laid eyes on the Hope Diamond. Or the time my cabana boy wore a diamond-encrusted tankini.

You: Oh, why thank you, but this is no scent, this is l'eau de moi*

*That's french for the perfume of me, try to keep up.

You Lie Punkie on Toe?

"What?" I asked, glancing up from the tattered US magazine I was reading at the nail salon. "You lie punkie on toe?" she repeated. What the hell was she saying, and why was she bothering me? I was doing some important reading... did you know that Kim Kardashian is just like us!? She shops for cell phones! I decided my pedicurist was asking if I wanted another coat of polish, and so I said yes thank you and turned back to my magazine. Did you know that celebrities also eat pizza? Man, they really are just like us! A few minutes later, I was just finishing up another article about supermom Angelina when she said "Ah done". "Thank you" I automatically replied and then glanced down at my feet. Oh Wow. Why was there a sparkly orange blob on my big toe? And then it hit me... she had been asking if I wanted a bedazzled pumpkin design on my toe. Of course. So yes, I have a sparkly pumpkin design on my toe, and yes I'm out an extra $10 bucks (in case you were wondering what those designs go for these days), but luckily it's been cold out lately, and not really open toed shoe weather. Plus, I think I learned an important lesson that day at the salon, which is that I should not go see the movie "Life as We Know It", bc US Weekly only gave it two stars, and if they only gave it two stars....it must be bad.

Small Suitcase or Big Briefcase?

Person squished into a small suitcase or trying to get out of a big briefcase?

Small cupcake suitcase or big brownie briefcase?

Cash stashing suitcase or big billz briefcase?

This actually could be a small suitcase or a big briefcase

SUPER TEENNY TINY SUITCASE!

BIG MOTHERFUCKIN' BRIEFCASE!

Tips to Avoid those pesky Trick or Treaters

Halloween is just around the corner, and if you are anything like me, your main concern is how to deter those creepily costumed kids from muddying your door mat, banging on your door, and demanding free treats. I don't have time to hand out candy to little people. As a lady, this is the one night of the year I get to dress like a full on prostitute, and I certainly don't want to spend time that should be spent applying excessive make-up and squeezing into my halloween spanks apologizing to the kids that I have no candy for them (yes I ate it all- so what). Below please find some helpful hints to make sure no one interrupts you from squeezing into your slutty nun costume.

1) Turn off all lights;

2) Place a sign on your door that says "No Candy, No Way";

3) Place barbed wire around your house;

And if all else fails....

4) Carve a pumpkin that looks like a pedophile (see Pedophile Pumpkin Pete above).

Best Wishes for Kid Free and Happy Halloween, and you're welcome.

Coming Soon: The McWedding

For those of you who dream of celebrating your nuptials in a place so near and dear to your heart you can almost taste it,  we found the place for you. McDonalds announced the launch of the McWedding, not only a great value but classy too.  What more could you and your loved one want (besides the biggie fries and McRib sammy)?! Although the company is launching the luxurious package in Hong Kong, I must assume we, the McMericans will have our day soon.

Nothing sounds more romantic that saying "I do" to a burger near you.

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/mcdonalds-to-make-wedding-cakes-2105652.html

Count Off

Just checking in to see if my fellow small suitcase big briefcase writers are able to access and post to the site. Give me an Aye Aye if you are...