iPhoneless in L.A.

I still remember the day I got my first iPhone. It was July 29^th, 2007.  Everyone who was anyone in LA was camped outside the Apple store at the Grove - or rather their assistants were- waiting in a Disneyland like line in order to be one of the lucky first few to obtain the phone that would change their lives. 

It was all anyone could talk about, especially after they ran out of phones. Anarchy threatened the Grove.  “I missed my son’s soccer game for this.” an angry Brentwood woman shouted. “I might as well pack up and go home rather than go back to the agency empty handed.” Hundreds of assistants thought to themselves.

Meanwhile, I was in New Orleans visiting my parents.  It may have been the oppressive heat, or a just a general lack of Southern interest in the new iPhone, but not a soul was waiting in line. I strode into an AT&T store and without a moments delay I was the proud owner of a shiny new iPhone. 

My parents took me out to dinner that night. I remember walking through the restaurant tightly gripping the phone in a Gollumlike manner, as though a jealous patron or desperate assistant from L.A. might jump out of a shadow and snatch my precious from my hands.   I was not going to let that happened.  I was the first of my friends to get an iPhone, and I was going to relish in the cool.

Six years later, all my friends have iPhones.  Literally everyone I know in LA has iPhone, well, except for me.  Last week, in an impulsive moment at a different AT&T store, I turned and started to browse through the Samsungs.  What were these curious Droids?  What if in drinking the Apple koolaid for so long I was missing out on something spectacular? What if this was like when I finally tried Tito’s and realized it was way better than my go to Kettle One?

And so, I bought a Samsung Galaxy.  Is it spectacular? It might be, but for now it’s mostly confusing.  I’m a Macbook Air owner, but I can navigate the shit out of Windows PC any day.  Unfortunately my Windows skills, did not prepare me for an Android phone.  What had I done?!

When I tried to text my friends, my messages were rejected because they weren’t iMessages.  What? Did I need to download an app for this? It took me about 40 minutes to locate the droid version of App store, which is apparently called Google Play.   I’m sorry that’s a terrible name.  It sounds like it’s either a game app with a lot of pop up ads or a Google dating service. Whatever.  Turns out there isn’t an iMessage app for Droids. 

Droids, ugh.  Everytime I say that word I feel less and less cool.  I might as well trade in my clothes and car for a pink jumpsuit and a motorcycle and be the T Mobile girl.  I wonder if she has a Droid?  Maybe we can be friends.

I guess my new phone’s not all bad.  The camera is awesome.  The picture quality is amazing.  Calls are crystal clear. The operating system is fast.  It runs on Jellybean (whatever the fuck that is), and with the bigger screen and keyboard, my texting accuracy has vastly improved.  Friends will finally be able to read my texts and understand what I’m trying to communicate- that is, if I can ever figure out how to text them. 

Done Helpin

"Done Helpin"

SCENE 1

Aibileen and Minnie are busy at work preparing for what it appears will be a large formal dinner party in a very fancy home.

NARRATOR: Been almost 10 years since we published all our stories in the book. Ms. Skeeter went off to New York and never come back, but she always remember to send us our checks. That book sold like hot cakes flipped in a Crisco greased cast iron pan. Lordy, I done never thought I would see that much money in my life! Minnie and I decided we needed us a break from helpin all those whiney white ladies. So we tooks our money and we decide to invest it in a buziness of our own. We opened the best cafe in town. Both colored folks and white people come from miles away to get Minnie fried chicken. One man come all da way crossin two state lines to do his eatin there. This man had a white mustache that look somethin ridiculous. He come in almost every other week always talkin some business about bein in the army an waivin around his cane like a crazy person. Minnie and I never pay him much mind, until one day he tell us he wanna buy the exclusive right to Minnie's fried Chicken recipe to take on back with him to Kentucky. Now we is millionaires!

Minnie and Aibileen finish setting the extravagant dinner table in what we now realize is their mansion (bc they are millionaires duh). It looks like they have enough food to feed 20 guests, but its just the two of them.

AIBILEEN: (saying grace) Dear Lord thank you for this meal. You is kind. You is smart. You is important. Amen.

MINNIE: Amen. Guess who I seen at the store? Uh, huh!

AIBILEEN: Who?

MINNIE: I said guess!

AIBILEEN: Gimme a clue.

MINNIE: She white, she mean, and she like to eat things that comes out of my butt.

AIBILEEN: I don't know, who?

MINNIE: She got red hair, a bad attitude and she genuinely enjoys eating my poop,

AIBILEEN: I don't know. I give up.

MINNIE: She love her some of my mooshy diarrhea and her name Miss Hilly.

AIBILEEN: (laughing) Oh Minnie, you and your shit pie! I never get sick of people bringin that up.

THE END

SSBB New Headquarters

1

Jennifer Aniston’s $42 Million ‘Hug’ Home

Aniston's "hug" home/house of  Zen is exactly what SSBB Productions needs to purchase for our LA Headquarters. With the contributions from our prosperous fan base, we almost have enough for the down payment. Stay tuned for more ways you can get involved and give! The home comes complete with Cindy Crawford Exclusive home collection furniture, stand up and lay down tanning bed, personal training area with Pilates and Yoga Studio and 3 personal trainers, a no-carb allowed kitchen with professional Chef to make 6 small meals a day, recording studio, over-sized gas fireplace, outdoor tanning area, poolside tanning sleek lounge chairs, indoor skylight tanning area, zen room with fountain and trickling waterfall and much more. We are excited about this adventure and look forward to being tan and fit soon...

Awkward to the nth degree

We here at SSBB sure do appreciate an awkward moment, an awkward story - well anything that can turn on the "third party embarrassment" reaction. However, we stumbled upon something that crosses the line. Human beings are such interesting creatures. We all think and act so differently. But really, what in gods name would possess someone to take photos of this caliber. Its insulting to the rest of us...and your unborn child.

Click here for more - but please, you are warned.

*SSBB is not affiliated in ANY way with this blog or the lifestyle that it is condoning.

NZT for Real?

We had no idea that Bradley Cooper was in the commercial biz. Well so are we. Maybe we should tap him for our next product. (Hint its a like a toupee, but part of it wags around, and you have to feed it, its going to be revolutionary).

Hey Bradley - lets get powerful together.

Small Suitcase or Big Briefcase??

Mangagement Rings: the solution to all problems

On a daily basis we are all confronted with the important question: Are Mangagement Rings (aka engagement rings for men) a Yes or a No?

I'm going to go with "Yes." Why you may ask? Well firstly, I have a thing for compound words. I love pancakes, sunglasses and spacemen. I even own two Slankets. Who doesn't love butterflies, kneecaps, and horseshoes? But I digress... On a more serious note, I also think Mangagement Rings possess the power to save America by: 1) reviving our economy and 2) finally making men and women equal.

1) Reviving Our Economy-- I'm no economist, but I'm pretty sure that everyone is always saying we need to "stimulate" our economy in order to get out of this economic slump. So what better a way to do this then to create a new MUST HAVE item for all couples getting engaged. I have no idea how much money is spent on female engagement rings per year in total, and I'm too lazy to google it, but I'm guessing it's something like $46 billion dollars. SO if we had women also spending that much money on rings for men that would be almost a trillion dollars of economic stimulus! Also, we should make Mangagement Rings ONLY available in the U.S. Take THAT rest of the world! U.S.A! U.S.A.!

2) Equality for Women-- With the invention of the Mangagement Ring, women would no longer be forced to sit around waiting for men to pop the question. All they would have to do is head out to their local jeweler, buy a Mangagment Ring et voila! Now, for those ladies concerned that would mean that they would not be getting an engagement ring, fret not, I've thought this through. The Mangagement Ring would serve as an "offer of engagement" to the man, the man would then "accept the engagement" by giving the woman an engagement ring and vice versa. So ladies, if you are proposed to, remember to say "Thank you for your offer, I will hold on to this ring while I consider my acceptance." You then wait an annoyingly long time, then finally purchase a Mangagement ring, while HE waits in anticipation for you to "accept." EQUALITY!

So in summation, Tiffany's, Harry Winston, Cartier, Schmulie's Jewelry, I ask you as an American, a Woman, and a lover of compound words to get on this! Let's start selling some Mangagement rings!

To my Ladies: happy shopping, and your welcome.